Out of the Gates Running Funny

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

A bit rapey.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

A little girl runs up behind us (this really happened)...

...while my GF and I were shopping at Target. The girl was maybe 5 and running from her mom. I made the comment, "Look Honey, a free daughter!" GF's reply was "Raising a child is not free." To which I replied, "Yes, but in this case you get a discount on the labor!"

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting

Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"

Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"

They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going.

Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.

"I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

You can explore running frantically reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean running run dad jokes. There are also running puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Four more years is a great thing to shout at a president running for reelection...

But not so good to shout at a 14 year old girl.

I'm not racist but

I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine".

But then I realized mine is home, polishing my shoes.

I bought a fitbit...

I haven't went running yet, but I jerked off for six miles today.

Yo mama so fat...

...she had an heart attack while running an app.

Why is Jeb! Bush still running for president?

Because the Bush family thinks that no child should be left behind.

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?

To lay off his campaign staff.

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".

Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

Two clowns are running for public office...

It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I'd vote for it.

An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.

"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"

"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."

I was viewing a house being sold by a native american

i asked him if it came with running water,

He said 'no, get your own wife'

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies? He smiles says Try the ATM in the lobby .

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

Today is my first day at the gym.

I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."

As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

What's more dangerous than running with the scissors?

Scissoring with the runs

I met a woman with 8 sons named Joe...

I met a woman with 8 sons named Joe;
I said, "They're all named Joe?"
She said "Yeah it's great! When it's time for dinner I just have to yell "Joe! Dinner!" and they all come running.
I said, "but what do you do if you just want one of them?"
She said, "Oh then I just use their last name."

Girl, are you Norton Antivirus?

Because when you're running, I can't seem to do anything but watch.

I was walking behind a woman at 3 o'clock in the morning after a night out.

She gave a slight glance towards me and She started walking faster, so I walked faster.

She started running, so I started running.

She started screaming, so I started screaming.

I was too scared to look behind and never did find out what we were running away from.

If you want girls to be running after you

Become a Bus Driver.

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

Is it okay to hate a certain race?

I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.

Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

A million or more lab rats die each year and my fiance screams at me for running over a mouse.

That's the last time we're going to Disney.

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

I can usually tell if I'm going to have sex with someone by what shoes they are wearing.

Pumps and high heels yes, running shoes no- she will probably get away.

An American and a Russian were discussing their respective freedoms in the 1980's

American: We have more freedom. I can go over to the president and say "Mr. Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country".

Russian: What's the big deal in that? I too can go to my president and say "Mr. President, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country".

If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it,

my illegal logging business is running smoothly

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a naked woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!

Whats worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs.

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are *way* too much running

I treat every day like I am running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, load up on carbs and don't run.

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

A bike in town keeps running me over

It's a vicious cycle

A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting it's a boy it's a boy with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

So what are you in to ?

\- I stalk people.

\- Oh really ? Well, I like nature and running.

\- I know.

The year is 2018 and I don't jog. The year is 2019 and I don't jog. The year is 2020 and I still don't jog.

This is a running joke.

Is your refrigerator running?

If so, I may vote for it.

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?

Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?

Suspect : Well that asshole ran towards the other 10.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies

In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you £20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.

20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets £20 to give.

Her boyfriend said "I can't take this, I have seen the movie before."

She replies, "So have I but I didn't think lightning would strike twice in the same place!"

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I'm going for a jog and then I don't...

It's my longest running joke of the year so far...

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

What did you do that for? he asks.

Curfew violation, the other guard says.

Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!

I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.

In 2017, i didn't jog. In 2018 i didn't jog. In 2019 i didn't jog. In 2020 i didn't jog.

This is a running joke

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it

I know I'm gonna get hate for saying this, but there are some races that I just don't like.

For instance, anything with an obstacle in it. Like if I'm running 10k, don't make me climb over a wall halfway through it.

My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races.

It's our running joke

McAfee not dead actually..

He is still running in the background.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom

Teacher: sing the ABC's, then I'll let you go

Kindergartner: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Teacher: Where's the P?

Kindergartner: It's running down my pants!

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts Mickey Mouse . This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.

Trump turns to his bodyguard and says Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse The bodyguard replies Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.

Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.

Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York Strip dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.

The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying

Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.

———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.

When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back.

But, when you do, they're all running and screaming.

A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.

"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.

"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.

"Why?" said the Captain.

The monk replied "You'd be surprised at the amount of karma you get from reposting."

What's worse than two girls running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

Ukrainian soldier is chasing a platoon of Russian troops through some woods

After a while one Russians says: "Hang on! There's 20 of us and only one of him. Why are we running from him?" And platoon leader silences him "Keep quiet! We don't know which one of us he's chasing."

What did Hitler say after running a marathon?

Meim Crampf

I went to the dog beach yesterday. Everyone was freaking out and running for their lives. I have no clue why.

I didn't have time to figure it out though, I was busy trying to find my lost dog Shark .

How far can you run into the woods?

Half way - after that, you're running out

What kind of running means walking?

When you're running ... out of gas.

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to running red lights?

He knew he had a problem, but he told me he could *stop anytime*.

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Source: https://jokojokes.com/running-jokes.html

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